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Steps to Overcoming Shyness
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To overcome shyness,
"say anything even if you make a fool out of yourself" is often suggested. I do
not have a degree in psychology, but I think this step is impractical. By making a fool
out of yourself, you’re just becoming more aware of the judgmental world that you
always feared. This may only make you more shy.
 Shy child in Tiananmen
Square, Beijing, China
Now, I’m not going to
preach "I got over my shyness and so can you," because I didn’t. Well, not
completely. But I know I’m not as shy now as I was when I was a child
or teenager.
There are no guaranteed, instant solutions, but there are things you can do that will make
a difference, as they have for me:
1. Visualization means creating mental pictures of behaviors
and situations that you would like to be involved in. You can daydream real life
situations. Start small, like a casual conversation with a co-worker. Then imagine
scenarios that are out of character for you. This will help you handle these situations in
real life.
2. If you don’t have much of an imagination,
you could go with
writing. A journal may sound "corny" for adults. especially men, but
it really works. Just telling yourself that you’re going to kick your shyness
isn’t going to fix it. You’ll forget that you said it by the end of the week.
Writing it down is a helpful reminder. Plus, you’ll probably get tired of reading
your promise to be "less shy" and actually want to do something about it.
In any case, read over your entries once in a while and write about
the many times that you missed an opportunity because you were shy, and times that you
benefited from being outgoing. This will encourage you further.
You can also write down specific steps you plan to take. Journaling
is a great way to think through and eventually work out many things that are bothering
you, so there are other benefits, too.
3. Once you’ve daydreamed and written it down, it’s time
to actually get your body away from this box and into social situations.
 When out with friends, I cannot stress how important eye contact
is. I’m the queen of wandering eyes and I’ll give every excuse to not maintain
eye contact. Sometimes I feel it’s easier to keep the conversation alive if I let my
eyes wander, because it usually makes me feel more at ease.
Maintaining eye contact may seem forced, but it’s necessary. No
one is going to take you seriously if you’re looking at everything but them. Chances
are, they’re just going to feel like they’re not important enough for you and
that you don’t want to be there.
One day, in my third year college sociology class, we were told to
sit next to a person we didn’t know. Then we had to partner up with that person. We
were walked through an exercise where we had to stare into a person’s eyes for twenty
minutes, as our professor read to us about that person’s suffering.
 Most people didn’t pay attention to what he was saying because
they were concentrating on maintaining eye contact with the stranger sitting across from
them. But after nearly twenty minutes of being forced to do this, the last few minutes
were a breeze.
4. Stay clear of drugs and alcohol. Getting drunk at a party
or dinner may make you a social butterfly for the night, but chances are that you’ll
enjoy this "new you" so much that you’ll get drunk every opportunity. This
will just add other problems to your shyness.
5. Be yourself. I know that this sounds trite, but there is
nothing more true than that statement. Whoever you are, that is who you are. Whether
you’re a great conversationalist or you fumble and stammer every time you talk,
it’s you. People will like you for being yourself and maybe then you’ll grow out
of your shell.
Editor's note:
I've found a book that's very helpful towards overcoming shyness,
because it gives you specific techniques to make your meeting people more
successful:
Talking the Winner's Way: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Business and
Personal Relationships by Leil Lowndes. The title is a link for a
price comparison to buy online through
www.bestwebbuys.com. You can also borrow this book for free from
many public libraries.
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Article by Tiffany
Lopes, Hearts & Minds volunteer
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http://www.heartsandminds.org/self/shysteps.htm - latest revision October 12, 2006 |